The First time I cried this year... Part 2

Continuation...

After my pep talk with the anesthesiologist... I was left alone while waiting for the surgeon... By this time my brains is rushing with things I might forgot... was also thinking about what happened to me...

Well I'm not really afraid to die... if its my time its my time... if the operation was unsuccessful at least I wouldn't feel any pain since I'm sedate... I'm also not worried about the people I will leave behind... I know there's a considerable amount of hurt and pain if the inevitable happened but I'm sure they will move on... but what made me cry was I forgot to make last minute bilins to my love ones... I forgot to leave my pin number to my partner of 10 years who if I die wont be able to make decisions in my behalf and need to wait for my sister to arrive. I forgot to text my sister that I'm about to be operated on but she knows about the operation that day.

while thinking about those stuff... for some reason I remembered my babies at home... since Thursday of last week I was admitted right away after a check up and I didn't have time to even say goodbye to them... all they know is that its just the same old routine Ill be leaving home after lunch and back again after midnight they didn't even know or understand why I didn't came home that day... so i stayed in the hospital for 4 days already and worst comes to worst I will not see them again... I know that they will be well taken cared off but the thought of not seeing them again after not being with them for 4 days and not able to say Goodbye... the tears started to fall.

I was lying in the room alone and at first I was sobbing that turned into big time tears that was heard all over the room. thinking about it, It's kinda funny from the hallway people were looking towards where I am and might be thinking what will be my procedure for me to cry that way.

Suddenly everything came back to me... I know I am not scared but I cant explain what I'm feeling at that moment... I guess I'm just anxious and worried  So anxious that I cant help but over think. It was explained to me that the procedure was just as simple and easy... but like all open surgery complications are just around the corner... complications during and after the operation.can be experience and a full recovery is expected within 6 months to a year... when they say full recovery it means that my body already recognize that an organ is not there anymore and everything is functioning normally. 

I am not scared if I die that day... I'm not really worried about who I will leave behind... but the thought that this will be your last day on earth makes you realize that we really dont have control over our lives... given a choice to have the death I want... I like it painless and swift... nothing gruesome - the kind that I just forgot how to breath and everything just stopped - and I was able to say goodbye and made sure that whoever I will leave behind wont have a hard time letting go.

I guess i was crying so hard the anesthesiologist came back and talked to me again... by this time the surgeon hasn't arrived and every minute I'm feeling more and more anxious. 

After my long crying moment... I was able to contain it and I back to my senses again. I'm not scared to die but am I ready?.. I guess yes... do I think it was too sudden and was I too young?.. yeah probably... will I make it through the operation?.. I don't know... 

I cried not because I was hurting... not because I'm heart broken... tears falls because I was uncertain of the outcome... I cried not because I was sad... I just cried and it felt good.

And by this time the surgeon arrives and i was rolled again to a silver room... a quick bed transfer...they tied me up and the next 6 hours was a blur as if it didnt happen...

and when I woke up... I felt the pain and I wanted to shout and cry... but I guess I cried it all out before that all I can think of is I survive the first part and I dont have the time to cry again... all I need to do is to survive.